This just in from the Deadwood, SD bureau of the Constant Conservative:
July 16, 2009
With the probable passage of HR 1018 (AKA the “Horses are People, Too Act) it would appear that things on the western plains are about to take a big step backward. Though these days one is more likely to see four-wheelers moving cattle about in this part of the world than actual mustangs, the EPA and BLM (in conjunction with the HHA, VA, HUD and all other federal agencies containing horse-lovin’ bureaucrats) have determined that roughly 1/4th of South Dakota is to be set aside for the preservation and procreation of the wild American Mustang. This would cover most of what is commonly called “West River” outside of the reservations. (At present, it is not known if Mt. Rushmore would be included in this set-aside or if adding a horse’s head to the monument would suffice.)
Upon further questioning, this reporter was able to determine that just under 100% of the people who are planning to vote for this bill have never seen a live mustang in person. Nancy Pelosi, who stated that “for a disadvantaged portion of our population, this bill will be as essential as universal health care” mentioned that she had once seen some horses while she was touring the back lot of the studio which was filming “Brokebank Nation.” When asked if the bill meant that those horses might need to move to South Dakota, she replied that the horses would “only move to South Dakota if that was what was in the public interest.” When questioned further about whether this was not the same approach which was used in reference to American Indian populations of a century ago, she said something about it being totally different and besides horses had been treated unfairly for far longer.
Meanwhile, here in the western part of the state which was known back in about 1875 as a place to win it big in the gold rush, and once again just a few months ago as a place to win it big in Powerball, life continues as before. Some of the old-timers remember when there were quite a number of mustangs, but are also wondering just which areas are going to be designated for what the locals are calling the “horse reservation.” While Ted Turner is known to have quite a large tract of land (some 20,000 acres) this would hardly be enough to handle the government buildings which are expected to fill up with horse wranglers, horse doctors, horse shrinks, and just about every other kind of horse serviceperson, analyst and assistant one could think of.
In an effort to stop what will probably be the largest eminent domain action in the history of the United States, locals have started the NHIMBY (pronounced “neigh himby”) which stands for “No Horses in My Back Yard.” This organization, due to the power of the internet (and a cash infusion from Neal Wanless) has managed to grow to just over 13,000 members in the last 48 hours. ACORN was contacted to perform some canvassing in support of NHIMBY, but responded that since horses did not vote (no matter how much one watered or fed them) they were not really not interested.
Note: The preceding has been brought to you under the US Constitution’s First Amendment as elucidated in New Times Inc. d/b/a Dallas Observer, et al. v. Bruce Isaacks and Darlene Whitten.